A moment of despair..
... sometimes there is nowhere to turn in your despair. You try to see everything through eyes of joy, and the world collapses in on you. If it were an earthquake, everything would be OK - they'd come looking for you to save you. But you are just one person alone in the world, and there is nobody you can talk to about it all.
You get glimpses of love, sparks of beauty that encourage you, and make you have hope. But you wonder if the hope is merely an illusion.
You wait, you wait... what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for anything at all? You are so happy when you are given great joy, but it can be taken away from you in a moment - every last trace. You try to remember what it was like to feel stability. Every trace of stability has been taken away from you.
This Holy Week I go to the cross with Christ like never before. And you with all your religious observances, meticulously counting every moment you spend at services like notches on your gun handle, you spit upon me. You spit upon me and then you tell yourself he deserves it.
No, I am not drunk. I am extremely sober. You should try it some time. You know who you are.
Your falsehoods and your lies.. they are all you know, aren't they?
Do I speak to myself or to another? I know what I have in my heart, and it is beautiful - it is cast in HIS image. But you would deny it to me, forcing me instead into this vessel of refuse and filth...
As someone wise once said: "To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted."
I don't need anyone to talk to. I need it all to just stop. Or would you rather I tell the world all your secrets, so that you too can stand there naked and alone as I do?
By hurting me, you hurt even more the one you think you love. I cannot say it all.
Those of you who are my friends. I love you and I thank you. Even those of you who are my friends but find yourselves forbidden to encourage me.
I want to see you all be happy. I want to see you all soar on wings. I want to see you all grow and flourish with God.
Do not listen to those who deceive you, and you will know who they are because they point fingers. They see impurity everywhere they look: because that's all they have in their hearts.