Saturday, May 01, 2010

How Things Stand

It seems I never blog here any more.
I have lost all sense of feeling in my soul
and have nothing to blog.

But it seems tragic to leave this here unused, so...

I'll sit by the shore and
leave a message in a bottle.

If it is for you, you'll understand it.
If you don't understand it,
it isn't for you.

Very simple.

It begins with "I'm sorry"
and ends that way too.

I'm sorry

I know you don't really want to hear it from me
At least that's what it seems
But how can I know?
How can I possibly understand anything that
happened right in front of my own face
right in my own heart, earlier this year,
when I have been completely cut off from it all
before anything could ever get cleared up?

But, still, I'm sorry
This is not how I would have had it
I've never experienced anything remotely like this before
and so, I completely don't understand it

I've experienced a lot in my years
maybe that's what confused you
you thought I'd know and understand everything
but I didn't and I don't
(were you ever confused?
you see, I don't even know that much)

I know what to do with things I understand
If someone's heart is full of love for me
I know what to do to keep from hurting them
to make it all better, and soothe-away every concern
without compromising myself.

Or if someone doesn't really like me at all
and doesn't want to be around me... I know,
I can handle it, deal with it, understand what to do.

Things we understand are easy to deal with.

But what can I do when I don't understand?
When I haven't got a single clue?

The only thing I understand
(yes there is one single thing)
is that misunderstanding compounded
upon misunderstanding
upon misunderstanding...

And there was never the slightest opportunity
to clear anything up
and it drove me crazy

And it was not your fault.
It was definitely never your fault.
And the sad fact is, I started to get angry and to blame
the two people that I really wanted all along
to keep peace with.

I knew everything depended on me
keeping their trust, but
I started to feel that it was all their fault
That they were negligent in their duty to you
and had only made everything far worse
by their haphazard attempts to intervene

I don't want to blame them
but ultimately, I think I did
and I couldn't stand waiting any longer
for them to follow through
on so many things I expected from them
and maybe never should have expected from them
but did anyway

They gave me a glimmer of hope
a glimmer of hope that someone else in this world
understood what was in my soul...
and how can I turn my back on such a thing as that?
but they also gave me conflicting notions that
they understood nothing at all

Well, I'm fragile in that way
I can't stand not being understood
it drives me crazy

when it is something small, I get over it
but when it is a misunderstanding
that someone I've started to care deeply about
has over something as significant as my soul?

Well, how can I stand that?

So, I broke...
I pushed them for some sort of resolution
when I shouldn't have

Well, it was resolved, but not to my liking.

There is the claim of peace, but really,
it isn't peace, I don't think

It is more like a slamming of doors
and I hate to say it, but because I was the person in need
it is the slamming of a door
in the face of Christ as he stands outside
hungry, and alone...

I'm so sorry.

I know it isn't my right or my duty
that I have no right whatsoever
to say such things

But I was given an invitation
and then a slammed door

How can I not weep for something like that?

And I don't weep for myself,
I weep for the one slamming the door
because of the lost opportunity,
and what portion of their salvation
is lost with that opportunity?

I can sleep nights now.
Not because anyone ever gave me peace
but because the "final word" was so final
(it reads like a death-wish)
that I could see no way around it.

There was, and is, nothing at all I can possibly do.

And in a sense, there's a sort of relief you feel
when things fall into place like that.
When you can't do anything at all.

So, here I am
leaving messages in bottles

Have I not forgotten you?
How could I?

Yes, silly isn't it
that a couple weeks of my life
would speak that way to me
stay forever in my heart and soul

I am strange that way.

I was just remembering the other day
the two most vivid experiences I've had
in my life with tea.

Yes, tea.

Why tea? I have no idea.

But there have been two cups of tea in my life
that were life-changing.

One was about 8 years ago
And the other was about a month ago.
On Holy Friday, in fact.

I've never had a memorable experience with coffee
But I remember each of those two cups of tea vividly
I remember who I was drinking it with
and what we were discussing

I've once had a memorable experience with wine
but only once.

I've only had the experience I had with you
twice in my life
Once was about 20 years ago
Yes, ages.
And the other was with you.

The one 20 years ago ended peacefully
as it should have
because there was, to be honest,
nobody meddling
and I had to give something up then too
but in both cases it was worth it

Only this time, everything fell to pieces

I can't explain what this experience was
any better than I can explain
why those two cups of tea were life-changing

Or the one glass of wine.

I only know that because of something I can't explain
you are firmly embedded forever in my soul

don't consider that a burden, please.
I never wanted to burden you with anything at all.
I still think if it hadn't been for meddling outsiders
it wouldn't have burdened you one bit.
And still, I really, seriously...
I don't want to burden you with anything.

I want you to be free.
I want you to free yourself
mind, heart and soul
and be everything that you have inside

we can do that, you know
some of us can
I think you are one of the ones who can
and I think you will

I hope I hear about it from a distance
so I can smile
because when I think of you,
I do still smile.

I smile for you
and pray for you daily.
It is a part of my life now
to what purpose and aim,
I do not know.

And about them?
I don't know if I can ever repair the damage that is done

You once wished me luck
Well, if we ever meet again
wish me luck once more,
because I think I shall need it.

And more...
God's grace.

I could Leave some other words here
dangling Oddly
but i'm afraid they would be misunderstood
not by you, but by others.
one Version of a thing or another
and Everyone thinks they understand YOU.

But they don't do they?

And they don't understand words I might dangle
as if from a tree,
as if fruit to be picked

but I want you to understand I mean it only
the most honorable way possible
and have never meant it any other way
but have always felt it inside

Can that make any sense at all
seeing who you are
and who am I?

I don't know
but I shall always be rooting for you from the sidelines of life
so what more can I say?

You are still reading?
You already know how this will end
with a simple, and quiet
just over the horizon... I truly am...

And let me just say,
I want nothing from you
I'm not writing this to get anything back from you
but to leave behind the promise
that maybe, some day you will understand
and THAT gives me peace

so let me say what I truly am,
that I'm sorry.