The Sleepless Fire

The fire burns in my heart
it brings me again to tears

the agony of everything
that is so far, far out of reach

the muscle spasms
brain spasms
the wild stories in my head
the conjectures

I really don't want to feel ill of anyone

why do they continue to bring me pain?

and they go on their merry way
thinking themselves so righteous

if I appear before them
in person or in a dream
is it not an act of God
to convict them for their sins?

but they do not see it
they see nothing but their
misguided delusions about me

In my world view
only those with hearts of evil bring pain to others.
well, I have repented of my evil
(even though it was unintentional all along)
what about them?
They neither repent of it,
nor cease their deliberately painful behavior.
There is no one to rebuke them
there is no one to tell them "repent"
as their own leader continues to feed them
the food of their delusions

I cannot speak, I cannot dream
I cannot sleep, I cannot win
I cannot survive

I scatter my words about me
but they bring me no comfort

[I think even now, they sit their smug
in their self-righteousness, saying:
"God will make him a righteous being
through these sufferings."]

it is as if I am clothed in rags
and they fall off as I walk along
I need muddy myself
to make them cling to me

I stand naked and alone
all the world can see my sorrow

how can I lead others to joy?
how can I bend minds to do good
when I am considered a thing of evil?

I want so much to live words of wisdom
to wrap divine sophia about me like a pure white cloak

but the moment I do they sling their mud

you think it is all in my mind
but it is not:
it is in your mind and heart who think evil of me.

the light of the body is the eye
purify your eye
cast away the darkness with which you have fettered the eye
and SEE

God be merciful to me a sinner.