Friday, May 28, 2004

The other day I purchased a Guillotine

The other day I purchased a Guillotine.

This is my first guillotine, so as you can imagine, I am very excited about it. It came with instructions that are (primarily) in French. Of course, how could you trust a guillotine that had instructions in any other language?

Unfortunately, I don't know French. But there are some sections translated into English and Spanish. Most important, I suppose, are the warnings:

* requires adult supervision

* always operate with the guard rail in place

* do not carry by the blade

* also do not carry by the handle only

* always latch the blade/handle in a closed position when not in use

* do not lubricate the cutting blade

(editorial: now that one doesn't make sense...)

* keep loose fitting clothing away from the cutting blade

My guillotine comes with a nice schematic that has all the parts labeled. Just in case I ever need to take it apart and rebuild it I suppose.

It has rubber feet and a handle with a safety latch and rubber grip.

The guard rail keeps things from flying off in the wrong direction.

The base has a calibrated grid with both "imperial and metric scale guide." Cool. Imperial. I never knew they called the "inch" system "imperial." Makes you almost feel some sort of connection with royalty.

Of course, who wouldn't feel a connection with royalty while using a guillotine?

What's that? Beheadings?

You have a disgustingly lurid sense of imagination, and I am, frankly, shocked by the suggestion. My guillotine is strictly for cutting paper.

Here's a picture from their handy instruction manual:

You see, it all depends on how you look at a thing.

Well, that's about enough for today.


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