Aurora,
Everything will be alright.
God loves you.

A Faith of Verbs

I really like this quote:

"This is my living faith, an active faith, a faith of verbs: to question, explore, experiment, experience, walk, run, dance, play, eat, love, learn, dare, taste, touch, smell, listen, speak, write, read, draw, provoke, emote, scream, sin, repent, cry, kneel, pray, bow, rise, stand, look, laugh, cajole, create, confront, confound, walk back, walk forward, circle, hide, and seek." ~ Terry Tempest Williams (Leap)

I love words of action and experience, motifs that spread themselves out across the broad spectrum of humanity, rather like a Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, or an Everyman perspective of the world.

There is a lot to experience in this world - a lot of diversity in humanity. It is not possible to be fully human without experiencing the diversity of souls in humanity.

How Things Stand

It seems I never blog here any more.
I have lost all sense of feeling in my soul
and have nothing to blog.

But it seems tragic to leave this here unused, so...

I'll sit by the shore and
leave a message in a bottle.

If it is for you, you'll understand it.
If you don't understand it,
it isn't for you.

Very simple.

It begins with "I'm sorry"
and ends that way too.

I'm sorry

I know you don't really want to hear it from me
At least that's what it seems
But how can I know?
How can I possibly understand anything that
happened right in front of my own face
right in my own heart, earlier this year,
when I have been completely cut off from it all
before anything could ever get cleared up?

But, still, I'm sorry
This is not how I would have had it
I've never experienced anything remotely like this before
and so, I completely don't understand it

I've experienced a lot in my years
maybe that's what confused you
you thought I'd know and understand everything
but I didn't and I don't
(were you ever confused?
you see, I don't even know that much)

I know what to do with things I understand
If someone's heart is full of love for me
I know what to do to keep from hurting them
to make it all better, and soothe-away every concern
without compromising myself.

Or if someone doesn't really like me at all
and doesn't want to be around me... I know,
I can handle it, deal with it, understand what to do.

Things we understand are easy to deal with.

But what can I do when I don't understand?
When I haven't got a single clue?

The only thing I understand
(yes there is one single thing)
is that misunderstanding compounded
upon misunderstanding
upon misunderstanding...

And there was never the slightest opportunity
to clear anything up
and it drove me crazy

And it was not your fault.
It was definitely never your fault.
And the sad fact is, I started to get angry and to blame
the two people that I really wanted all along
to keep peace with.

I knew everything depended on me
keeping their trust, but
I started to feel that it was all their fault
That they were negligent in their duty to you
and had only made everything far worse
by their haphazard attempts to intervene

I don't want to blame them
but ultimately, I think I did
and I couldn't stand waiting any longer
for them to follow through
on so many things I expected from them
and maybe never should have expected from them
but did anyway

They gave me a glimmer of hope
a glimmer of hope that someone else in this world
understood what was in my soul...
and how can I turn my back on such a thing as that?
but they also gave me conflicting notions that
they understood nothing at all

Well, I'm fragile in that way
I can't stand not being understood
it drives me crazy

when it is something small, I get over it
but when it is a misunderstanding
that someone I've started to care deeply about
(them)
has over something as significant as my soul?

Well, how can I stand that?

So, I broke...
I pushed them for some sort of resolution
when I shouldn't have

Well, it was resolved, but not to my liking.

There is the claim of peace, but really,
it isn't peace, I don't think

It is more like a slamming of doors
and I hate to say it, but because I was the person in need
it is the slamming of a door
in the face of Christ as he stands outside
hungry, and alone...

I'm so sorry.

I know it isn't my right or my duty
that I have no right whatsoever
to say such things

But I was given an invitation
and then a slammed door

How can I not weep for something like that?

And I don't weep for myself,
I weep for the one slamming the door
because of the lost opportunity,
and what portion of their salvation
is lost with that opportunity?

I can sleep nights now.
Not because anyone ever gave me peace
but because the "final word" was so final
(it reads like a death-wish)
that I could see no way around it.

There was, and is, nothing at all I can possibly do.

And in a sense, there's a sort of relief you feel
when things fall into place like that.
When you can't do anything at all.

So, here I am
leaving messages in bottles

Have I not forgotten you?
Never.
How could I?

Yes, silly isn't it
that a couple weeks of my life
would speak that way to me
stay forever in my heart and soul

I am strange that way.

I was just remembering the other day
the two most vivid experiences I've had
in my life with tea.

Yes, tea.

Why tea? I have no idea.

But there have been two cups of tea in my life
that were life-changing.

One was about 8 years ago
And the other was about a month ago.
On Holy Friday, in fact.

I've never had a memorable experience with coffee
But I remember each of those two cups of tea vividly
I remember who I was drinking it with
and what we were discussing

I've once had a memorable experience with wine
but only once.

I've only had the experience I had with you
twice in my life
Once was about 20 years ago
Yes, ages.
And the other was with you.

The one 20 years ago ended peacefully
as it should have
because there was, to be honest,
nobody meddling
and I had to give something up then too
but in both cases it was worth it

Only this time, everything fell to pieces

I can't explain what this experience was
any better than I can explain
why those two cups of tea were life-changing

Or the one glass of wine.

I only know that because of something I can't explain
you are firmly embedded forever in my soul

don't consider that a burden, please.
I never wanted to burden you with anything at all.
I still think if it hadn't been for meddling outsiders
it wouldn't have burdened you one bit.
And still, I really, seriously...
I don't want to burden you with anything.

I want you to be free.
I want you to free yourself
mind, heart and soul
and be everything that you have inside

we can do that, you know
some of us can
I think you are one of the ones who can
and I think you will

I hope I hear about it from a distance
so I can smile
because when I think of you,
I do still smile.

I smile for you
and pray for you daily.
It is a part of my life now
to what purpose and aim,
I do not know.

And about them?
I don't know if I can ever repair the damage that is done

You once wished me luck
Well, if we ever meet again
wish me luck once more,
because I think I shall need it.

And more...
God's grace.

I could Leave some other words here
dangling Oddly
but i'm afraid they would be misunderstood
not by you, but by others.
one Version of a thing or another
and Everyone thinks they understand YOU.

But they don't do they?

And they don't understand words I might dangle
as if from a tree,
as if fruit to be picked

but I want you to understand I mean it only
the most honorable way possible
and have never meant it any other way
but have always felt it inside
deeply...

Can that make any sense at all
seeing who you are
and who am I?

I don't know
but I shall always be rooting for you from the sidelines of life
so what more can I say?

You are still reading?
You already know how this will end
with a simple, and quiet
just over the horizon... I truly am...

And let me just say,
I want nothing from you
I'm not writing this to get anything back from you
but to leave behind the promise
that maybe, some day you will understand
and THAT gives me peace

so let me say what I truly am,
that I'm sorry.

This Blog Reborn
I took this blog down for a while to rework it. It was vastly in need of some repair.
Well, now it is back, but I'd like to provide a sort of overview.

This blog is truth straight from the heart. Because of that is unsuitable for most people to read. Most people can't handle the truth.

I recognize that the truth is as perceived. The truth you will find here changes constantly, but it is always true at the moment it is written. So, it is rather a form of poetry written in prose. You could even say it is fiction, which is often the best place to encapsulate truth, because if you hide your truth in fiction you avoid offending anyone.

But much of the time it is caustic. It may sound like I hate my reader from time to time. I do not. I am just expressing the truth at that moment.

A moment of despair..

... sometimes there is nowhere to turn in your despair. You try to see everything through eyes of joy, and the world collapses in on you. If it were an earthquake, everything would be OK - they'd come looking for you to save you. But you are just one person alone in the world, and there is nobody you can talk to about it all.

You get glimpses of love, sparks of beauty that encourage you, and make you have hope. But you wonder if the hope is merely an illusion.

You wait, you wait... what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for anything at all? You are so happy when you are given great joy, but it can be taken away from you in a moment - every last trace. You try to remember what it was like to feel stability. Every trace of stability has been taken away from you.

This Holy Week I go to the cross with Christ like never before. And you with all your religious observances, meticulously counting every moment you spend at services like notches on your gun handle, you spit upon me. You spit upon me and then you tell yourself he deserves it.

No, I am not drunk. I am extremely sober. You should try it some time. You know who you are.

Your falsehoods and your lies.. they are all you know, aren't they?

Do I speak to myself or to another? I know what I have in my heart, and it is beautiful - it is cast in HIS image. But you would deny it to me, forcing me instead into this vessel of refuse and filth...

As someone wise once said: "To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted."

I don't need anyone to talk to. I need it all to just stop. Or would you rather I tell the world all your secrets, so that you too can stand there naked and alone as I do?

By hurting me, you hurt even more the one you think you love. I cannot say it all.

Those of you who are my friends. I love you and I thank you. Even those of you who are my friends but find yourselves forbidden to encourage me.

I want to see you all be happy. I want to see you all soar on wings. I want to see you all grow and flourish with God.

Do not listen to those who deceive you, and you will know who they are because they point fingers. They see impurity everywhere they look: because that's all they have in their hearts.

Digging Through the Ashes of My Past Lives

I've spent the better part of the evening digging through the ashes of my past lives. That may seem odd, but it is true.

Oh, I am the same man I have always been...

... but not.

There is a such a thing as "repentance" and repentance directs you to change course.

I have shifted course many times, but never lost a certain common thread - an enchantment with beauty and mystery, with secret glimpses of my God of Light in strange and dark places.

I was about to completely close down an entire web site I've got - nail boards across the windows and such - because I haven't sold a book as that author in more than 2 years, and the things that I wrote about way back when were as scandalous as they were beautiful. But it turned out that several things stayed my hand: One was a story my wife told me about a box of letters she had and how she was about to throw it away until a certain priest stopped her. His perspective was: that's your cross to bear, it is a part of you, and don't ever throw yourself away.

The second was the fact that I actually got fan mail. It happens so seldom, and I was quite surprised, but pleasantly. Once or twice a year I get an email from some junior high, or high school kid asking if they can have permission to use, quote, whatever, my poetry. I've had paintings made, and recitations performed, and even a play and a ballet done based on my poetry. This was one more reminder that perhaps there is some beauty I've left there for others to cherish.

The final thing that did it was I started reading my own poetry. I'm not saying I'm brilliant or a great poet or anything like that, but as I read some of the things I had once written I realized I could still FEEL them. To me that's what poetry is all about. I don't know if anybody else feels anything when they read it, but if anybody does at all, then I'm doing a good thing by giving it to them, so why take it away?

So, instead I decided to shore up the collapsing house a little, remove a few broken links, take away things that were completely obsolete. I found two whole branches of the building that I think I need to completely gut, they are in such decay.

But I am still tormented that I should remove it, because I am still tormented that I will offend someone, cause someone shame, or hurt someone by what they may find there. Is that my cross? That I should live out my days knowing that in order to do good, I constantly take the risk that I may cause offense to someone?

One of the final, final things, that may nudge me and set my mind at ease, was one of the old reviews I read on Amazon.com - it was from someone I know and he told me he was going to write it. He is a priest's son, and currently a novice in a monastery, and I could tell by what he wrote that I touched him in a very positive way. But somehow I still struggle with it all. I still sometimes wonder if the cross is too great to bear.

A walk at night through the soul

Wisdom walks at midnight
amidst the stars and dandelions
upon dew-covered feet

She comes as a great gaping
hole in the night to devour
and consume me

Her subtle bliss enshrouds
me as a poultice and a
two-edged sword of flame

~

Wisdom sits beside me
upon the rock where honey
and water have freely flown

She speaks to me of humblings
and alienations, of love ill-found
and misunderstood

Her truths cut open the wounds
and they bleed-forth
unto my healing

~

Wisdom rises to take me
not in her arms as a friend
but as a babe gently upborne

Her loving breast nourishes
my soul with sorrows and
the solitude of humanity

She whispers to me of sunshine
as I can only dream
in this dark place of soul

~

Wisdom takes my hand
and walks beside me as
our feet crunch on the frost

She warms me as no other
in her tender arms
wide and vast as the heavens

Her sharp words set me
in the path to where I would
have never known to go

~

Wisdom flies at midnight
amidst the stars and dandelions
upon dew-covered wings

She takes me to the realms
I would never choose to go
amidst the pasts and futures

Her subtle bliss enshrouds
me as a poultice and a
two-edged sword of flame